Monday, September 5, 2016

Change

Hello. It's been a long time since I've visited you, dear blog.  Hope everything is going well for you. *sweeps dust and spider webs*

So recently, I've been involved in a theatrical play in church.  I didn't know why I signed up for it, but I told myself meh, let's try it.

The thing is, through this past 2 months, I've learnt much about pride.  I had to learn to swallow my pride.  Growing up, I've always thought that I could, you know, act.

Little did I know, I still have a long way to go.  Throughout this journey of 2 months plus, I'm still trying to believe that I am that character that I was designated to be: A high-flying woman, who uses prada handbags and drives a Porsche. Lives in a mansion in Bukit Antarabangsa and has a Butler and ladies in waiting for me to take care of the household chores.  At work, I am the one who determines whether you stay in your job or not. I know all the dirty secrets of each and every employee, right to the CEO of the company. If you want to get a promotion, I have a say for it. I am the chairman's right hand (wo)man, and I'm not inferior to any man. I am an alpha woman,  who knows what I want and is confident and sassy beyond your wildest dreams. 

I can describe her perfectly, but I'm not her. I'm working to become her.  To embrace her.

I'm also in a journey of knowing who are the one's who love me the most. Those who truly care. I've met brothers and sisters who care and love genuinely, and a director whom I both revere and admire at the same time. I respect his passion, but I fear his wrath. Don't get me started on that. 

Another part of this journey is discovering what I yearned for in a life partner. The men I thought were what I wanted... Was really not what I needed. The more I prayed and thought about it, the less sense it made.  Besides the essential part of him needing to be a Christian and all, one of the things I really yearn for in a man is his ability to break things down for me, and encourage me even when he himself is in the pits of discouragement.  This friend...  Let's call him X. X has been a great friend for the longest time. Even before I came to Klang. But it was when I came to Klang that it became evident of how good a man he is. He went out of his way to look for a place for me but in the end I didn't go to any houses he helped me find.  During one of the conferences this year, he packed food for dinner and offered me to eat the veggies in his pack.  Then, we went to pack food together, and he took care of me all the way, keeping in mind of the fact that I was scared of being attacked by snatch thieves, and made me laugh along the way.  And yesterday, during our run, in my down momenta, he helped me understand my character further.  He shared with me how he overcame his stuttering problem, and he encouraged me to not give up. Shared the word of God with me, and when all the cast prayed for each other, he placed his hand on my shoulders as support. 

Why was I so blind? But could he already have someone else in mind? How silly I was to go around talking about another guy when someone so good was already in front of me? But how can I be sure? Dear God, how?

It's still a long way to go. May this journey birth new friendships, and a beautiful relationship that I've always yearned for.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Not good enough

I will admit, that I am not the best of people. My constant failure of self-control often takes over me, resulting in much guilt and self-destruction. Sometimes I ask myself: How could you help anyone if you yourself are so broken on the inside?

It is true, that through Christ, we are a new creation. But there are still battles that I am fighting, that I need a lot more time and support to overcome. There are still moments when I doubt myself and think that I am not worthy of such love and grace. There are times when I feel like I should cease to exist. There are times when I feel so silly for trying too tired for something. Not that I was, but I just wanted to do my best to please God and do my part as a part of the family of Christ, as a daughter of the house.

I recently learned about my own personality more, and I am one who possesses these two love languages: quality time and words of affirmation. That is what is important to me. Gifts are not important to me. I appreciate them, but I don't really know what to do with them. When I mean I appreciate quality time, isn't just a sloppy dinner but a heart-to-heart talk with an appreciated individual. I remember times when I felt so upset because... I put too much expectations on the people I thought understood me well.

Like there was once my friends wanted to celebrate my birthday. After so many rainchecks, they finally found a day whereby we could have the celebration. But I was asked, 'Do you mind if we celebrate your birthday with another person?' When asked that question, what do you think a sane person would do? Slap you in the face? No. I answered, 'Oh. Okay. Yeah. I'm cool with that.'

Newsflash: NO, I'm NOT cool with it. AT ALL.

I wasn't happy to be at the celebration, as much as I appreciated the thought. I felt like it was just done just because it was procedure and to not hurt my feelings because I was not celebrated. The thought in my head was, 'If you did not feel like celebrating it for me, then don't. I can share anything else, but this? No. Why can't there be a day when people just celebrated and spend time with me?'

But I did not want to sound like a ungrateful whiner. So I kept quiet and played along, as always. I did not complain. I just kept quiet. Deep down, I was sad. The people I expected to be there for my birthday were not there. The people I wished would wish me or at least remember my birthday did not even write a Facebook birthday message.

The ridiculous things people get mad at, eh? Reminds me of how my friend's kid cried when he asked his dad not to say the word 'cheating'. He cried once my friend said it. It was oddly hilarious, but I could resonate, somehow.

Another event just happened today. I volunteered at an island this morning for some volunteer work, and also volunteered to help out with the food team today. Little did I know, that when I arrived, the kitchen lights were off and no help was actually needed on that part. I ended up helping to move balloons and vacuum the floor, and slipping a movie in between. Why did I even wait till the event ended? Its not my problem. Its not even any of my business. But hey, Rachel just has to outsmart herself and say yes to everything eh? Stupid Rachel. I was grateful for the free food that was provided, but I was unhappy with the lack of communication. No one told me that help wasn't needed anymore. I could have hung out with my fellow volunteers and could also have gone to the gym! One good day wasted. The worst part was, I wandered in church like a weird person. I felt like people pitied me for staying so long in church to help out, so they somehow found me a job to do. I hated that feeling, very much. For a moment, I felt like I had no friends, and church suddenly became an unfamiliar place to dwell in. I quietly left, and ended up crying in the car on my way home, for no apparent reason. (actually there was a reason)

Sometimes I wished that I was as popular and as 'worthy' as the other people in church.

I guess I'm just not good enough.

Click it!

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These are MY NONSENSICAL ASPIRATIONS! :D