Sunday, June 26, 2016

Not good enough

I will admit, that I am not the best of people. My constant failure of self-control often takes over me, resulting in much guilt and self-destruction. Sometimes I ask myself: How could you help anyone if you yourself are so broken on the inside?

It is true, that through Christ, we are a new creation. But there are still battles that I am fighting, that I need a lot more time and support to overcome. There are still moments when I doubt myself and think that I am not worthy of such love and grace. There are times when I feel like I should cease to exist. There are times when I feel so silly for trying too tired for something. Not that I was, but I just wanted to do my best to please God and do my part as a part of the family of Christ, as a daughter of the house.

I recently learned about my own personality more, and I am one who possesses these two love languages: quality time and words of affirmation. That is what is important to me. Gifts are not important to me. I appreciate them, but I don't really know what to do with them. When I mean I appreciate quality time, isn't just a sloppy dinner but a heart-to-heart talk with an appreciated individual. I remember times when I felt so upset because... I put too much expectations on the people I thought understood me well.

Like there was once my friends wanted to celebrate my birthday. After so many rainchecks, they finally found a day whereby we could have the celebration. But I was asked, 'Do you mind if we celebrate your birthday with another person?' When asked that question, what do you think a sane person would do? Slap you in the face? No. I answered, 'Oh. Okay. Yeah. I'm cool with that.'

Newsflash: NO, I'm NOT cool with it. AT ALL.

I wasn't happy to be at the celebration, as much as I appreciated the thought. I felt like it was just done just because it was procedure and to not hurt my feelings because I was not celebrated. The thought in my head was, 'If you did not feel like celebrating it for me, then don't. I can share anything else, but this? No. Why can't there be a day when people just celebrated and spend time with me?'

But I did not want to sound like a ungrateful whiner. So I kept quiet and played along, as always. I did not complain. I just kept quiet. Deep down, I was sad. The people I expected to be there for my birthday were not there. The people I wished would wish me or at least remember my birthday did not even write a Facebook birthday message.

The ridiculous things people get mad at, eh? Reminds me of how my friend's kid cried when he asked his dad not to say the word 'cheating'. He cried once my friend said it. It was oddly hilarious, but I could resonate, somehow.

Another event just happened today. I volunteered at an island this morning for some volunteer work, and also volunteered to help out with the food team today. Little did I know, that when I arrived, the kitchen lights were off and no help was actually needed on that part. I ended up helping to move balloons and vacuum the floor, and slipping a movie in between. Why did I even wait till the event ended? Its not my problem. Its not even any of my business. But hey, Rachel just has to outsmart herself and say yes to everything eh? Stupid Rachel. I was grateful for the free food that was provided, but I was unhappy with the lack of communication. No one told me that help wasn't needed anymore. I could have hung out with my fellow volunteers and could also have gone to the gym! One good day wasted. The worst part was, I wandered in church like a weird person. I felt like people pitied me for staying so long in church to help out, so they somehow found me a job to do. I hated that feeling, very much. For a moment, I felt like I had no friends, and church suddenly became an unfamiliar place to dwell in. I quietly left, and ended up crying in the car on my way home, for no apparent reason. (actually there was a reason)

Sometimes I wished that I was as popular and as 'worthy' as the other people in church.

I guess I'm just not good enough.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Somewhere over the rainbow

"When I hear your footsteps, greeting you with a smile

That is the only gift that I could give you

Are you feeling sick anywhere? Was it hard?

Don’t worry about me, I just need you to be okay

When your heart is aching, when no one is there for you, just come here." - Home, Roy Kim.

Hello dear blog. *sweeps dust and spider webs*

How have you been? I hope everything is going well for you, ups and downs and all.

Me? I've been doing fair enough. Still trying to get myself back on my feet after a 2 week long holiday, but I'm coping well so far. Need to clear my table of unnecessary books soon. Gosh.

So I titled my post 'somewhere over the rainbow'. Recently, I was praying God to confirm some stuff that was on my heart. This heart has fallen for this special human bean.

This human bean is someone who always had a way to break confusing things down for me, whether I liked it or not. This human bean is chivalrous; he always walks the ladies to their cars after church. This human bean makes me laugh and roll my eyes at the same time. This human bean had a past that was not pretty, but God used his life for the better. This human bean is very good at doing his job.

Dear God, I pray that this is the right human bean for me. I like him very much. Give me peace to believe that this is the right human bean for me.

Besides that, praying for the formation of my own huddle, and more kids to come to Christ in the years to come.

Good night, fellow human beans.

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Pictures of SM Entertainment bands (Super Junior, Kangta, DBSK/TVXQ) Johnny's Entertainment bands (NewS and ARASHI) all subject to the copyright of SM Entertainment, Korea and Johnny's Entertainment Inc., Japan as well as other pictures of other artistes from other companies such as JYP, YG Ent and so on and so forth. ♥